i havent really gotten into using this journal yet, im still posting in my old one http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=beautiful_bones001

so yeah, you can catch me on there when im not here.

~alisia

i've had an xanga diary for only a month or two now, but i have gotten to know the girls (other anas/mias) very well. One in particular - bianka. Kind, funny, without a hurtful bone in her body. She would eat, and through it up later, so that she didnt hurt anyone's feelings *who ever cooked the meal*. A few days ago, Bianka died from a heart attack. Her brother, wade, posted a note on her xanga site, letting us all know. it hurt to find out that a girl who i connected with and related to so closely - even if only on the net - had died. And it was scary that she and i are so much alike. It brought me back to reality, if only for a little while, the severity of anorexia.

To anyone on here who can, get out now. I am stuck. My ed's have been a battle for me for the past 5 years, and i know nothing else anymore. But those of you who can, please. Anorexia and bulimia is something that takes over your whole mind and body. It has control. And it will do what it likes. At whatever cost.

>Anorexia is my life. My only friend. I would be nothing without it. It makes me happy, but it tears me up inside. Please dont let it take your life. If you have not already given your life to ana/mia,then don't. Please. i dont want to lose any of you like I did Bianka.<

Thank you for reading.
~alisia xox

God saw that she was getting tired,
And a recovery was not to be.
So he put His arms around her
And whispered, "Come home with me."
With tearful eyes, we watched her suffer
And saw her fade away.
Although we loved her dearly,
We could not make her stay.
A golden heart stopped beating:
A determined spirit is at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best.
Anonymou

Ohmigod guys this is it! I’m going to do it this time. I’m going to get to my goal weight. I’m passing my plateau – once I’m past that it’s all downhill from there! I’m so excited I can’t believe this is actually happening! They’ve left it too late to ‘cure’ me this time – I can taste success. And it’s better than any food I’ve ever had! This is why I don’t eat. See how happy I am right now. Imagine when I get to my goal weight. I’m so close to it now. I told you guys once I’ve passed 36 ½ kgs, 80lbs, it just gets a little easier. Well, I’m here! I keep saying that, but I’m so happy. This is what I've worked for, what we all work for. These goals we set are achievable. We can be angels, beautiful, happy. We just need to get to our goals. I’m just imaging how happy I’m going to be once I get to 32kg. I can stop then, cant I.  > >

>  >

Well, I’m not sure if I can. Well, I mean, if it really, really makes me happy, why would I stop. Why would I consciously make myself unhappy? And we’ve all heard the saying > >

‘It’s not the fall that kills you, it’s the sudden stop at the end’. > >

If I stop it will just kill all the hard work I’ve done. And I don’t feel perfect – my mind…doesn’t feel perfect, or better. I don’t feel like a better person. It’s confusing. Because I always said I would stop once I got to a certain weight. I always said I could stop. I said that only one week ago. Less than that, it was last Friday. And now, I can see my goal. One step closer to perfect, it’s like perfection is now blurred. I can see my goal weight. That’s not the problem. I can see my goal weight clear. But perfection is blurred. I can’t stop, and I can’t be happy, until I hold perfection in my hands – until I radiate with it – inside and out. That’s a bit of a downer isn’t it? Oh well. A new goal weight, a new set of rules. I’ll have to restrict more. Limit more. Control my body and my mind more. Close enough isn’t good enough. > >

>  >

Ok, I need new rules, new restrictions, new limits, and new goals. > >

>  >

My stgw is now 32kg / 71lbs, not 35kg. > >

And my ltgw is now 28kg / 62lbs, not 32kg. > >

>  >

No more than 250cals / day (that’s 1750cals / week). No less than 1500cals exercise / day (that’s a min 10500 exercise / week). Fasting from Sunday night to Wednesday morning. And from Thursday morning to Saturday night. So that means that I can eat…Wednesday night, and Sunday morning. Maybe I’ll start a 30-day liquid fast – like what they’re doing together on www.bluedragonfly.org all through April. I think I’ll do that. That means I have to work out my months worth of eating…or drinking… now, before the 1^st. > >

>  >

Ok, I’ll go that now and let you know my plan, so you can all review it and let me know if you see any flaws. > >

>  >

Love you guys > >

~anahugz~alisia > >

29 march 2004

Dear diary,

Today was such a GREAT day. My mother came to me today with so much love and motherly warmth and asked me to stop being anorexic. And since she asked so nicely, I said I would stop, and we hugged, and went and had a big bowl of ice cream. Then, tonight, we went shopping for clothes that were too big for me, so that I would grow big and fat and round into them. We had takeaway for dinner – a big, fat McDonalds burger with cheese and bacon and mayonnaise and fries and a milkshake. And then, because I was still hungry, I had a large hot chocolate fudge sundae with extra chocolate. Then my mum and me walked out feeling full and happy…

[Ok – no that obviously didn’t happen]

~ Real story ~

Today was shit. Mum had a shit at me before I left for uni, and then continued it via SMS while I was on the train (and then accused me of being rude when I didn’t ‘reply’). She told me that my ‘game’ wasn’t fun anymore. That she doesn’t care if this makes me happy, because it doesn’t make her happy and that means it’s wrong. And that if she weren’t my mother she wouldn’t love me; she would think I was a spoilt brat and leave me to die. So I turned my phone off until I got on the bus at 6.30pm, when it started all over again. She said that if I would ‘agree to stop being anorexic’, she would LET me have tomorrow off from uni (that comment alone is stupid enough – if I wanted the day off I’d take it and she wouldn’t even know, I don’t need her to ‘let’ me). And she said she would take me shopping for clothes that were my ‘normal’ size. Oh yes please mummy, lets go out and plan how fat I’m going to get. I don’t understand what she doesn’t understand. I just don’t get it…

 

On the plus side, some really good things did happen today. Firstly, when I put my jeans on, I realized that they were getting baggy. This is very, very good. Like my tops, they got comments, (which is what started my mum off actually). > >

Secondly, my stats today are quite good. Thigh: 42cm, Hips: 69cm, Waist: 54cm, Chest: 71cm. > >

My calorie intake today was 400, which is good because it’s very little, but it is too much for my limiting-fasting days. My calorie intake from yesterday was 350, which means that I’m already 250 calories over for my three days and I’ve still got tomorrow, so that means I have to fast completely tomorrow, and do an extra 250 calories exercise. Ok, so maybe that’s not a really good thing – that I didn’t keep under my restriction limit. > >

I also got an email from this beautiful girl that I was in hospital with last year. She a S.I.’er, or was. I’m not sure at the moment. But I guess if she wasn’t she wouldn’t have found me would she. Hey, maybe she has an eating disorder too, which would be great to have an Ana buddy around. I think she found my pro-Ana site. I’m very excited. J That’s another good thing.

>  >

I now live on diet coke (1 cal for 375mL) and sugar free chewing gum (7 calories per piece).

Except for my daily force-feeding – courtesy of my kind and loving parents… if they loved me so much they’d let me be happy and try and be perfect, but I won’t whine about that today. I think there’s more of that coming soon, as soon as they start pushing the issue of recovery, which is coming…I can just feel it.

And negative calorie foods. Apples, banana’s, oranges, carrots etc (see the full list under ‘hints and tips’).

>  >

So anyway. I think I’d better move along. There are only so many calories I can burn while I’m sitting at a computer. I love you guys. Keep starving. J

>  >

~anahugz~

Alisia > >

28 march 2004

Today’s been ok. Except I woke up with the worst headache and I took 2 painkillers an hour ago and it won’t go away. I feel like chopping my head off, but I’m not sure if that would stop the pain or make it worse… or maybe I’d be dead so it wouldn’t matter. At least I wouldn’t have a headache. No, I don’t want to be dead. I’ll just be strong and cope…

On the plus side, the top I’m wearing fit me really well a week or two ago, and now it’s very loose. Loose enough for people to comment on whether or not my top is out of shape (which kind of lurks in the back of my mind that I haven’t actually got any skinnier, I’ve got so fat that I’ve stretched the top out of shape). But I doubt it – I have lost weight (I have my sternum [the bone that joins the ribs in the middle of you chest] back now, which I love), and all my stats have gone down so I think the top is just too big for me. I don’t mind at all. I’ve had 200 cals today and it’s 2.20pm, and I’m not going to be home for tea (I’m working). If I don’t eat anything else today (except the other half of my apple at 4pm – it’s a negative calorie food so it’s safe), and don’t do anymore exercise (I’ve done 1200 today all ready) I’ll be at a –1000. Yay for me! Plus I’ve still got work to do tonight – I’m a waitress / chef-hand so that’s lots of running around.

((Hey did you know a K-Time bar is 167cals each. Aren’t they supposed to be good for you?))

But I’ve still got a long way to go. I’m 38 / 39kg (84 / 86lbs) at the moment. My goal weight in 32kg / 70lbs (actually it’s 28kg / 63lbs, but I figured I’d take little steps and avoid disappointment), so I’ve only got 6 / 7kg to lose. I’m trying to work out the minimum time I can lose that in. Unfortunately I’ve hit my plateau (at about 40kg / 88lbs), which means I’ve got to up my exercise (which I’ve been doing). But it starts to get easier - after about 37/36kg, my weight loss is really rapid. I was stopped at 35 last time.

But not this time. I’m only home for tea 1 night a week now (I work 4 nights until 9pm, and get home from uni at 8pm on 2 – and those time are obviously too late for me to eat tea or I’ll never get to sleep…). And I leave at 6.30am on weekdays– which is too early for me to eat breakfast… (I can’t believe that excuse still works, but I’m not complaining!). The only day I don’t go to work or uni is Saturday, which is my designated study day, and I generally let myself eat 600 calories – for brain food. Then I do my limiting – fasting for 3 days (Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday), no more than 500cals for all three days (that’s 160 cals a day, or fasting one day; 250cals on the others). Eat 400cals on Wednesday; 1400 cals exercise, eat 300cals on Thursday; 1500cals exercise, eat 200cals on Friday; and try very hard to do up to 2000 cals exercise. That’s how I justify eating 600cals on Saturdays, and only doing 1000cals exercise. (max. intake for the week is 2500 cals, and the min exercise for the week is 6000 cals).

But I don’t know how to work out how long it’s going to take me to lose 8kg. I know that the ‘recommended daily minimum calorie intake’ for my age / height is 1500 (or about 11000 a week). So I’m limiting that very extremely. And it also says that ‘active’ dieters should eat at least 1500 cals a day, and exercise no more than 1000-1200 cals a day, to be able to lose 5-8kgs (11-18lbs) in a 10 week timeslot. So the maximum time it should take me is 10 weeks, (which is way too long).

Do you think it’s logical to say that?

If:

‘Proper’ diet

11000cal in/week

7000-8400cal exercise/week

0.5-0.8kg/week (1.5-2lbs/week)

Limit-fast plan

11000 / 5 = 2200 cal in/week

Same exercise

Should lose about 1.5-2kg a week (3.5-4.5lbs)?

ffice ffice" /> >  >

So that might take me 4-5 weeks to lose the weight? I’m 156cm (that’s a little over 5ft). My BMI is 16 exactly). Officially underweight by 9kg / 20lbs (I’m supposed to be 48-49kgs / 106-108lbs).

I’ll aim for that, even if the figures aren’t right, which I’m sure they’re not!

I’ve also got my stats goals – measurements for my chest, waist, hips, and thighs…

                Now (cm)               Now (inches)        Goal (cm)               Goal (inches)        

Chest:     71cm                       28inches                                64cm                       25inches

Waist:    56cm                       22.04inches           52cm                       20.5inches

Hips:       69cm                       27.16inches           65cm                       26inches

Thigh:    44cm                       17.32inches           38cm                       15inches

When I started I was

Chest: 78cm / 31inches

Waist: 63cm / 25inches

Hips: 74cm / 29inches

Thigh: 47cm / 18.5inches

And I was 44kg. My BMI was 18 (still officially underweight but I don’t know how because I was fat).

>  >

I’m going to do a fast from tonight to Wednesday (72hours). No more than 150cals a day, and a min of 1000cals of exercise a day. Wish me luck!

~~27-03-04

 

One of my friends quit uni yesterday (ok deferred…but I have doubts that she’ll go back…which sounds really horrible, but I do…). She asked me what I thought about it (this was before she quit) and I hated her doing that. I hate it when people ask me for my opinions on things that they haven’t done yet – it’s hard for me to even have an opinion on anything, everything I say / think ends up being wrong. I have so much guilt now, because she did it. And if things don’t work out for her and she one day says ‘I shouldn’t have dropped out’, she doesn’t understand how bad that is going to make me feel. I feel responsible sort of. I feel really bad about it. I know I shouldn’t, but when it comes to someone else’s life, and they ask for your opinions, it’s hard to give the right one. If it’s not perfect, then people are going to blame you if something goes wrong. It’s a fact of life – passing the blame instead of taking it is what most people do. Most Ana’s will understand how I feel.

 

And so anyway, I took the day off uni (yes ok I’m slack and not committed and stupid and lazy…stop telling me) and hung out with her. It was…well, more fun than uni. On the train home, she asked me what anorexia was. I told her what it was, or what it was to me anyway. It’s different for everyone, but not really different. How I was just trying to be a better person. How it doesn’t start out with losing weight, and how it’s a choice. It scared me to say it, because I don’t know what she thought of me. And I just kept talking, telling her how I felt, and I don’t think she noticed because most people don’t notice inside hurting, but it hurt me to say all of that. I have trust issues – it’s not that I don’t trust her, it’s that I don’t trust anyone who says that I’m too skinny. I know they’re lying to me. Maybe she was just trying to work out if I was completely crazy; maybe she wants me to be put in hospital because I’m sure I said things that the psych’s would just love to hear. I don’t know. Now I’m scared of what she thinks of me. Or what she’ll tell people about me.

 

Maybe it’s time I stopped hanging out with those people again. I was doing all right when I managed to push them all away, most people won’t even talk to me, which hurts a little, but I understand that they don’t really want to talk to me anyway, I’m an ugly person – inside and out – and people don’t like ugly people. I can’t push her away, because she just wont go, for some reason or another, she feels like she’s responsible or has an obligation or something. I’ve tried very, very hard. So hard that I hurt from how much I’ve hurt (or tried to hurt) her. And so I end up apologising and being weak and feeling like crap about hurting someone who doesn’t deserve to be hurt even though she says I’m too skinny when I’m mostly obviously not.

But that’s enough crap. I didn’t eat much yesterday which is good. I fasted for 26 hours, but got force-fed when I got home. 1000 cals. That’s disgusting. I hate myself. But what’s new. I did 1400 cals exercise though, so at least I got a negative reading. Not as negative as if I had resisted eating, but then I’d have been put in hospital, so there’s no winning.

 

Six months last Sunday since my grampa died (dad’s father). He was the only person who even told me that the abuse from my uncle (who is his own son) was not my fault. Even though I know it was (see my profile for that explanation), what he said meant a lot to me. He was the best. I wish everyone else was dead and he was still here. It would have been his birthday yesterday. And my dads is today’s. It hurts us both, me and dad. Every time something important happens, I always think of him, because he was the sort of person who would be so proud of anything, even if you came home pregnant at 13 or something. So things have been really hard the last six months – my birthday…8 days after he died. And the funeral on the day after my birthday – which I couldn’t go to because dad’s family think that I made up the ‘story’ of abuse by my uncle. And then my formal and graduation. He had arranged to come up and see me at my formal (I refused to show him my formal dress because I wanted him there so he said that he’d come up for the week of m formal) and then my graduation. Those were the hardest days I’ve had in a very long time. Everyone (well, my friends who were graduating) was so embarrassed that there grandparents were there, or that there parents were there, or being so proud that they had actually stopped their parents or grandparents from going and I felt like hurting them because I was hurting so much. Then there were the days that I got my OP, and got my acceptance letter for uni. It’s just the little things, but they meant so much to me and I know that he would have been proud. I invited my other grandparents up for formal/graduation, but they didn’t want to travel all the way from NSW (which is where my grampa would have traveled from). And when I rang them about my OP and uni placement, they asked me ‘so was that the best you could have done? Is that university the best in QLD?’ I know that it’s not the best I could have done, or the best uni in QLD, but my grampa wouldn’t have said that. It’s going to be hard this year or my birthday, being one year gone, and that I’m turning 18. I was his first grandchild, and he said he couldn’t wait to be able to take me to the pub and buy me a drink. I never had a drink with my grampa.

 

It hurts that he’s gone. I guess that’s all I’m trying to say… I loved him lots. He was the best. He was the first person to visit me when I was born. The first person who rang me when I was in hospital the first time – crying and saying how it was all his fault (what happened with my uncle) because he should have brought him up better. The only person I believe to tell me if I’m skinny or not – I'd trust my grampa and I know he would never lie to me. I miss him. I hate god for taking him. It’s not fair. The honest and kind people die, and people like my uncle live. I wish he were here. I never got to say goodbye. That hurts the most. I never got to say goodbye, and that I loved him, and how much he meant to me. And maybe he died thinking I didn’t care.